MartyFreeman.com
Wednesday, July 3, 2024
From a Pastor's Heart
Thursday, February 8, 2024
The Apology
January 2023
THE APOLOGY
Gary Chapman, famed for his landmark relational book, “The Five Love Languages” has another wonderful study called “The 5 Apology Languages.” Chapman lines out the reasons and methods of apology as well as the powerful effect it has on relationships.
Apology comes easier for some. Based on personality type, it can be a needed bridge to healthy relationships or a trepid barrier.
In November of 2015, two and a half years after my difficult departure from Believers Tabernacle, my brother and I received an email. It was addressed to both of us and it was an apology, pure and simple. It was difficult to read at first. A couple of years had passed and I was working hard at healing and recovery. It prompted face-to-face meetings in which the contents of the apology were hashed out. It was rough. It was sincere. It changed everything for me.
The email came from my life-long friend whom I had hired to be my Executive Pastor years previously. Our families had been close since we were five years old. My brother’s first job was working on their family farm. He called my mother “mom” after his own mother had passed away from cancer decades before. We hunted together, went to school together, grew up in church, in the altars praying together. We were tight. He was family and the feeling went both ways.
He opened the letter by saying, “I can’t keep living like this, with this cloud hanging over me.” He detailed how he played a key role, passively and actively in the mess and confusion of the event. He stated how he wished he could change things, could have done everything different by “standing up and stopping it.” “I could have,” he wrote. “I should have.”
It was raw. It was honest. It was real. At the time, he too was dealing with a similar fate of being pushed aside and he was angry and frustrated. Maybe he felt comfort in letting it all out so he could construct his own response to the disappointing pressure. He was feeling abandoned and alone. I had been there and he knew it. He didn’t like the feeling. Neither did I.
I’m not writing this to throw him under the bus. On the contrary, I’m actually writing it to honor him. I desperately needed someone who was there, on the inside, to acknowledge that it didn’t go down the way it was being portrayed to so many. That someone who knew “everything” would finally acknowledge some of the context, the decisions, the board agreements, and other things I was never allowed to share. My friend’s apology really did help. It did more than that. It began a deep healing in my heart. It gave me new life in some miraculous way.
Here's the rest of the story. I saw this important email in my inbox as I sat in Chicago O’Hare airport awaiting the long flight to Bangalore, India, and later to Nepal on a two-week mission trip. When I saw the email, my gut tightened, my heart sank and the familiar fear I had felt so many times in the spring of 2013 was there once again. I made the decision to not read it. I wanted to stay focused on the trip and God’s plan for it and not be sidetracked by the anguish that had become all too familiar.
The trip was incredible. As I sat in my hotel room in Katmandu, India, ready to board my flight home two weeks later, I remembered the email. I pulled it up on my phone and began to read. My nerves were on edge. I didn’t want more accusations or arguments. And, amazingly, that’s not what I got. It was a very important, detailed four pages that brought such healing. I wept.
I kept crying on the flight home in between naps. I remember praying, “Thank you Lord. I needed this. Not sure what I’m supposed to do with it, but I needed this.” He replied rather quickly. “It’s time to get back in the captain’s chair.” What?!
After more prayer and soul-searching. He was gently answering the question I had held in my spirit for several months. Was it time to leave the church that had loved me so much and brought healing and stability to my family for the past two years and once again run with the vision God had given me so many years before? If so, what would that look like? How would that ever happen?
I knew it was God speaking. And so we did it. And…wow God has been GOOD! I’m more content, satisfied, happy and excited about being a pastor than ever. Seriously…I mean it. It’s a wonderful thing when you come through a trial…and you discover God more beautifully for it…and you discover yourself once again. (The testimonies would take many, many more blogs…stay tuned).
The Lord has reminded me many times that this bold move to “move on” would not have been possible without the closure my friend had provided by saying, “I’m sorry.” What a powerful impact those two holy of holiest words can hold. I know without a doubt we could not have planted The Altar and resurrected the ministry of the Dream Center without reading those words.
My friend and I met after I returned home. It was difficult. I could see in his eyes and hear in his own words how sorry he was. I forgave him. Still do. He knew it. My brother was deeply affected by his apology as well. It helped rebuild the lifelong friendship they had enjoyed. Three weeks before my mother passed in 2016, he asked Randy and I for permission to come see her. Mom said, “yes.” They met. They cried together. My mom would never tell me what they talked about. (Believe me, I asked several times.) I’m not sure if she was protecting me, even on her death bed, or just that it was something so personal…for her heart alone. She needed to hear him offer the apology he had given me.
My friend is also in heaven now. He suffered from a brain aneurysm that took him way far too early. We talked on the phone three days before he passed. Tears flowed. But peace abounded. I’ll forever be thankful for that email and healing it brought both of us.
If you’re at odds with someone, make it right…quickly. Life is indeed too short to hold on to the poison of unforgiveness and regret. Be certain, that God may be trying to get a blessing to you, a word, some direction. Unforgiveness can clog the pipes and halt the things He wants to do for you and through you.
If you’re waiting for an apology, please know that it may never come. Your need to forgive and let go is still the imperative.
My friend gave me a sweet gift that God knew was needed for me to launch into a new phase of ministry…a new chapter of life.
I’ll always be grateful.
Loyalty
November 2022
Thursday, May 19, 2022
Put It in Writing
“It doesn’t mean a thing unless it’s in writing.” I don’t remember hearing this statement before I went to work for Kenneth Woods at Bethel Life Center in1992.
My Story Verse 2
Wednesday, February 24, 2021
Words mean things. I learned this truth early on in my adult years. Beyond the obvious: lying, exaggerating, shading the truth, gossip, etc....the slanted definition of terms is a popular ploy in our current culture. If common words can be redefine or re-appropriated to take on a new meaning...the audience can be duped into believing anything.
It may have become most obvious in my lifetime when former president Bill Clinton, while under oath, famously said, "It depends on what your definition of is...is." Nowhere in our culture is the defining and redefining of terms more obvious than in the legal/political. The proper or improper use of one single term can bring victory resulting in freedom or condemn the accused to guilt.
Today, we are witnessing the subtle reworking of terms in the political realm with the battle between "equity" and "equality." I've dug deep trying to clarify these terms in today's vernacular and the effort is increasingly difficult. I am convinced it's not an accident.
No normal, red-blooded American struggles with the concept of equality. Our most precious founding document, the Declaration of Independence is clear: "We find these truths to be evident, that all men are created equal..." But equality is not equity.
Here's my distilled definition of terms: EQUALITY refers to that of opportunity. EQUITY speaks to outcomes. Therein lies the danger of terminology re-appropriation. Many are mixing the terms, on purpose, in order to win hearts and minds and twist our thoughts of faith, government and power.
Our nation was founded upon the concept that everyone is placed on this earth by our Creator with the same opportunities: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But not everyone will realize the same outcome in that pursuit, nor should they. My definition of happiness, the freedom to pursue my dreams and take advantage of each opportunity as it is presented, may be much different than yours. My contentment with what I have achieved...or drive to achieve more may be in stark contrast to another's desires and pursuits. That's okay...so what. That's called freedom!
Not everyone wants a college education...but I did. Not everyone wants to be in the ministry and pastor a church...but that's what God called me to do. Not everyone will make a million dollars and retire to the quiet life...but they can if they want. They have the opportunity...but the outcome is not determined nor is it guaranteed.
We must look no further than the Kingdom of God to clearly see the difference between equality and equity. We know that is is not God's will (desired outcome) that any would perish but that all would come to the saving knowledge of His Son Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 3:9) Sadly, not everyone will. But simple, basic scriptural interpretation clarifies that all have equal opportunity. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." That word, "whosever" is very telling. Everyone has the equal opportunity to believe...but this verse also explains that not everyone will equitably enjoy the fruits of everlasting life."
"To all who believe" is the ringing declaration of hope for freedom and eternity to anyone and everyone. However, there must be a response, a choice...the human will to joyfully accept God's invitation and reap the fruits. Jesus, Himself is most clear that rejection of Abba Father's offer will bring much different results.
So...does one's own choice to not accept Jesus make God an inequitable Creator who hasn't given everyone their fair shake? Absolutely not! Sending His Son as THE one and only opportunity to "all who believe" makes His very existence rooted in His love and desire for all of His creation to chose Him. The outcome is realized by enjoying the favor of eternity and the fruit of His love on this side of eternity as well.
Let me be clear. As a follower of Christ it IS our responsibility to lift up those who are not seeing equitable results. At times the equality of opportunity is not fully understood unless we explain and model for them. We should into every man's world (as Oral Roberts used to say) and pull people up and out, offer the opportunities that others have not exemplified. How will they know unless someone tells them? (Romans 10:14)
Our job as believers (and of good citizens) is to increase the equality of opportunity to as many as possible, regardless of race, creed, socio-economic status. The Gospel is the ultimate statement of equality. "The ground is level at the foot of the cross." My heart aches that as a pastor I cannot offer the equity of eternity (outcome)...but that determination is not mine to make. But our loving Father has made the opportunity the greatest mark of equality in the history of mankind.
Be careful with words. Watch out that you are not deceived into rallying around the idea that a government or any man-made institution can guarantee universal, desired outcomes. They can't. It's simply not possible. God never set His own Kingdom up with such a promise. Why we ever believe man could offer such a guarantee?
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
“God, Give Me Wichita!”
From a Pastor's Heart
Yesterday I was told a long-time member of our church has decided to leave us for another church. It happens. However, this one seems to sti...
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January 2023 THE APOLOGY Gary Chapman, famed for his landmark relational book, “The Five Love Languages” has another wonderful study calle...
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I’ve neglected to write down the “breakthroughs” that the Lord has provided to me through very difficult losses, trials, tragedy, etc. Writ...
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Equity v. Equality Words mean things. I learned this truth early on in my adult years. Beyond the obvious: lying, exaggerating, shading ...